Unshed tears

I'm not going to lie, or hide how I feel, etc. As unmanly as it is and all that...

I need to let go of a lot right now. It's occurred to me how much....unpleasantness I've endured over the past year, and yet I've given no outward indication of it to anyone, technically myself included.

I feel like a good cry, as it were. Heaven knows that it's actually a huge relief! However, subconsciously it seems I feel it's "wrong", and despite the fact that I actually want to...I can't.

It takes serious emotional upheaval to push me far enough to let loose, which doesn't really cut it, as you can imagine, due to the fact that such instances are extremely rare...

I really hate all this men can't show emotion lark, it's really hard to deal with under the wrong circumstances.

Procrastination for the nation!

I have a serious problem I think: I can’t bring to do anything constructive these days. In particular study for the exams in May.

 

I keep saying to myself “I’ll do it in April, I’ll do it in April…..”, but I don’t know what will happen even then. You’d think that failing the exam last year and needing to repeat this year would be enough to motivate me, but apparently not.

 

Now, of course I do only have the one subject (maths) this year, which is influencing my lack of enthusiasm. And I will have all of April and most of May off, all for studying, so as long as things work out in my favour it should, in theory, be okay….

Albeit last year things went very much awry at this same time….how encouraging for me.

 

Also, it’s come to my attention that I’m short sighted, and thusly should have glasses. And yet I can’t be bothered to go and get a free eye test. Although it should be said, that I think the extortionate cost of the glasses themselves is influencing my procrastination in that department.

 

But really though, I’m beginning to question if there’s something wrong with me….

Just walk away

So, after managing to get caught out by those travelers that sell must-be-stolen goods, I've come to despise my inability to say no and just walk away...

The watch that got shifted on me, which wasn't even working (¬_¬) was promptly thrown in the river as I was pissed off with myself.
I am truly incapable of just saying no and walking away like other people do, I don't know why I'm like that...

And what also bothers me is "the gypsys" that sit on the streets begging for money. I never give them any, as more often than not I don't have any anyway, and recently I've taken to just ignoring them while listening to my ipod, but I always feel guilty when I do it.

I'm a hopeless case really. I just care too much, and that's my greatest downfall.

University concerns

Before I go off on this, I will say I am already attending uni, currently in my second year in fact...

The problem is I lack motivation. I just find the whole uni life way too....different I suppose. I have to repeat first year mzths this year, as I failed the exam last year. You think that'd motivate me, but no.

I go to the lectures, just about, but I don't have the foggiest idea about wtf is happening. It's the most arbitrary stuff ever to me. I need to know why something happens to fully understand stuff, but the stuff we're doing at this time is way over my head. And I'm not alone in that either, everyone seems to feel the same.

I just go on autopilot during most lectures (take notes, but my mind isn't really in it). The exams this year are in May, and we have all of April off for "study". I will have to study then, as I've not done a thing yet...

I don't even know if I'll pass this year. I hope I do, naturally, but with everything going on in my life these days it's becoming a secondary concern to me. Not a good place to be, I think.

I need a job

As my blatantly obvious title suggests, I could really do with a job right now.

 

However, try as I might, I seem incapable of securing one. Due to various circumstances, I don’t have any previous experience that I would put on a CV, yet pretty much anywhere one would go looking for any kind of work want a CV.

And that basically seems to boil down to them only going for the experienced people. Great.

 

And to add salt to the wound, due to the ever worsening state of the Irish economy, people are losing jobs left, right and centre. Not a particularly favourable time to be looking for a job, as not only are very few places taking people on (if any), and also there are floods of experienced people becoming available for, and indeed looking for, work.

 

I wonder how people start out these days, as it really doesn’t look good.

Otherworldly wonder

I’m completely fascinated with the night sky. On a clear night I can’t help but stop and look up at the stars, often for long periods. I just lose myself in wonderment.

 

I’m not sure I find it so alluring, but I genuinely could just stare away at the stars for hours without realising.

I often wonder if humanity are alone in the universe, or is there life out there somewhere?

 

I’m not a “true believer” or anything, but I do feel there has to be some form of life elsewhere, surely. I mean, the universe is no small place, for Earth to be unique in its sustaining life would be… well I don’t how to describe it but you know what I’m getting at.

 

I can’t help but feel that the scientists are bit narrow minded when it comes to astrobiology, always looking for signs of life as we know it. I always wonder why life elsewhere seems to have to conform to the way it works on earth. Who’s to say there isn’t some alternate form elsewhere, that happened under different conditions. Looking at bacteria, it’s quite possible, right?

Days forever gone

I've touched on this before, but I think I need to revisit the past once more.

I'm not going to lie, I really miss being a kid. Everything was just so much simpler back in the day. I had nary a thought of the wider world, and everything was well. (Or at least so I thought).

They say youth is wasted on the young, but from I stand, those years may not seem like much at the time, but when you get older, the memories become cherished.
Nothing quite compares to the naivety of a child, I feel. Their innocence is enviable.

I often contemplated keeping a diary in my younger years, but I never got around to a proper effort. I regret this now of course, as all I have are scattered memories.

I'm only 20 and already world weary....what is the world coming to?